zaterdag 27 september 2014

chasing chestnuts


recently i have been staying more frequently at my parents home
i'm very busy searching for pain management treatment
and last week, after six months of waiting, i finally had my intake.
i also started new medications where i have to inject myself (!!)
i felt pretty badass afterwards to be honest hahah
i think i find it hard to look at the future again. 
but i have lived day by day long enough.
" winter's coming" !
and i want to be prepared.

the first leaves are starting to fall, and ronja has fun chasing chestnuts
fall always gets me so nostalgic
have you ever walked a road you used to walk when you were young
and suddenly have a flashback of how it used to look?
i still find myself tiptoeing to peek over bushes
 that i have outgrown a long time ago

donderdag 28 augustus 2014

with my own two hands

i think i have not been listening to any new music for years
i always get stuck in one song, like i get stuck in ine thought
but since a few months i have been listening again
and gosh, what i hear is so beautiful
i have missed it, and had not realised i did.
and now i want to share with you, the beautiful musuc that has brought my heart and mind together tonight.
you might find them sad or even depressing
but that is my comfort zone.

billie holiday - ill be seeing you
paul Mccartney - jenny wren
fiona apple - why try to change me now
johnny cash - im so lonesome i could cry
micah p hinson - cant help falling in love with you


maandag 18 augustus 2014

and suddenly summer's over.


my blog has bled out a bit
i have enjoyed blogging for most of the time, and i have been blogging years now
but ever since cees and i broke up, i haven't felt like it any longer
i got sick of taking pictures of my own face over and over again
i got sick of myself, and sharing things about myself
and i needed to focus on different things in life
besides breaking up my relation, i had to break down my plans for the future as well
the future i had thought would be ours, i now had to face alone again
and being alone scared me terribly,
 the feeling of not belonging anywhere scared me even more
"who am i without someone loving me like that" i've asked myself for quite some time
but this summer i have found a different side of life
i have met so many new, loving, special and caring people
they all took me in so easily, and for the first time in my life i actually have a social life.
i'm having a taste of how my puberty could have been; going to parties and dancing at night
having drinks, meeting people and trying out life in any possible way
being unable to lead the 'normal' life has defined me for so long
i have felt worthless, lonely, guilty and ashamed for not being able 
to function the way i am 'supposed to' in this society
we are supposed to be successful, beautiful, functional
we are supposed to have a lot of friends, and party every weekend
we are supposed to choose our carreer at the age of fourteen
to study so we'll get a good job that will secure our future.
and i am none of these things.
i believe a lot of people from my generation have suffered the pressure of society
or maybe not really the pressure, i think it is mostly because the world is changing so rapidly fast
depression, anxiety issues and other mental issues are so common these days
and personally i believe this is one of the reasons.
 at least it is for me.
what a terrible question i think it is when someone asks me 'what i do'
because i have to admit to them, and myself, that i dont 'do' something
because with asking 'what i do' they're asking me whether i study or work
and i don't. and i used to be ashamed of that, and still am sometimes
these days i don't lie about that any longer and tell those who ask straightforward
and i will tell you, my dear readers and writers, straightforward 
because i don't think it's good to pretend to be more than i am
i haven't been able to do school, and have been sick and in and out of hospitals and clinics
for the past eight years. 
my life has been lived for me for years
i haven't developed myself the way i should, or more importantly, not the way i wanted
when i finally got out of the sick world i lived in
i thought moving out and living together with cees would be the start of my life
but it turned out to be the end of our relationship
and i had to move again and start over again, as i have done so many times before
and now i finally feel like i am settling down
i am starting to accept that i am not going to be the regular girl, with the regular life
i am starting to accept that my body works like an old ladies body
within time, i'll try building up my life again
but for now i am trying to make my life meaningful in my own way
by taking care of people around me, by taking them as they are and loving them
by noticing the invisible and by learning about myself through talking to strangers
if there is one thing i have learned these past years
is that everybody has their own flaws and struggles, their own battles to fight
and that none of these things should be compared.


maandag 14 juli 2014

booh-ya (or something)


just hanging out with my fluffy family
having no life and taking pictures of myself
hah i'm just letting you know i'm still alive
although i ááálmost was buried beneath all the lovely comments
hope you're having a lovely week
< 3

donderdag 26 juni 2014

cuddlebuddies

it sure is a strange place to live in, this boy's home
especially because i spend the first few months on the couch haha
(ah i am still so glad i have my own space here now)
for example, waking up here it is always a suprise how many people will be downstairs
often i walk downstairs, finding a sleeping stranger on the couch
i can always demand a hug somewhere from someone
and at night there's often people gaming downstairs
so when i'm unable to sleep, i can still listen to their ''conversations'' 
''coversations'', because they get quite excited when gaming, and it's more like shouting hahah
it's also quite exhausting sometimes
but i think that's normal, when you've got roommates right?
i'm just glad i'm not living alone right now (:

woensdag 18 juni 2014

the light hits


me and my infected eye had the oppertunity
 to make pictures at my old room again
the light there is just.. ah. i miss it.
i don't have much to tell, except that my body
is infecting everywhere, and my energy hasn't been this low in ages
i am a little worried so i'm seeing docters again
further i just try to take care of ronja and melle the best i can
and that's enough at the moment.
right now i have ronja at my right, and melle at my left
and we're watching some old episodes from new girl

sleep tight
don't let the bedbugs bite

maandag 16 juni 2014

because lately it's been only

oh come on legs
let us walk together 
to the end of this road
take me there where the others go
don't stop walking
don't tell me what i don't want to know

donderdag 5 juni 2014

instalately

 just ronja demanding a hug, and me standing in the yard wearing my new secondhand blouse
look at the patternnnn!
 ''oh come on dorus, take a picture with me!''
 some new things arrived at my home!
this alice in wonderland bag, for example (here)
annnnd this bathing suit from romwe
and these supercute shoes from asianicandy
ever since i have gotten my room, i kinda broke down physically 
nothing strange, as i had been sleeping on the couch for so long
but now i'm feeling a bit zombie hahah
but before i went zombie-like, i had quite some lovely weeks!
it was sunny and warm outside and i have spend most of my time at the river
it's such a blessing to live so nearby that kind of nature
everyday, i walk by the same old man
he's always sitting on his walker in front of his house, cathing sunlight
i greet him, and he always calls back ''hello darling! how's today?'' 
he kind of looks like the grandpa in the animation movie 'Up'
you know, the old wrinkly kind of face that looks real kind.

maandag 26 mei 2014

they drew me redhead

ah, everytime i find a drawing in my inbox, my heart jumps a little
i just can't believe how amazing these works are
and how talented so many of my readers are
in order from top to bottom, i want to thank
for making, and sharing these lovely pieces of art.
it's incredibly flattering and i'm just so thankful (:

vrijdag 23 mei 2014

ronja update!

 i just realised how little i have told you all about ronja
and even though i take tons of pictures of her
i hardly share, which is a shame.
so hah., here are some pictures i took from her last month
before she got a haircut hahah
i walk along the Ijssel with her everyday and she loves it so much
she has even taken her first real swim already!
she is such a happy jolly pup, everyone loves her from the moment they meet her
when we're waiting in front of a trafficlight, she always starts greeting the people waiting along with us 
in minutes everyone's smiling and saying how sweet she is
it's strange how many more people talk to you when you have a dog

ah and there's some reaaaal good news!
after 5 months of sleeping on the couch and stealing beds
i finally have a room!
it's as good as finished, and i even have a matress to sleep on
now i only need to do some finishing touches, get my clothes here
and get some lights
i'll be uploading a picture of it on my instagram any soon!
and some better pictures here when it's done (:

vrijdag 9 mei 2014

birthday boy

 as promised, the pictures from rein's birthday party!
they're all taken by Niek Doup
except the last one.
 i made that one.
it was really pretty lovely!
i've just had my cuddle hour with melle, and now i am off to bed
sweet dreams, sleep tight
and don't let the bedbugs bite